‘A’ LIST

I have often stopped to ponder on the lessons I think I’m learning.  Particularly when my current situation is especially challenging.   It’s easy to go through life without reflection but surely what we’ve experienced so far and how we’ve managed our difficulties is what makes us who we are today.  Perhaps we need to look at the person we’ve become, to try and check the bad stuff and increase the good stuff.

DO WE KNOW WHO WE ARE?

Why are we here, now, on this planet?  Is there a reason, do we have a purpose or is our existence merely a blink of the eye of time, time as we humans have defined it?  Here today and gone tomorrow and probably, in due course, forgotten?  If that’s the case, then surely we need to make the most of our lives and do our very best to be decent human beings in the process.  When the time comes to die, assuming we’ll have retained the ability to self-reflect, will we feel we’ve earned ten out of ten for trying?  I’m sure the majority of us will want to look back and know that, at the very least, we’ve evolved.

How is all this relevant to those of us caring for a loved one with an incurable, chronic disease?  Particularly dementia where the deteriorating brain means deteriorating behaviour and ability.  How do we deal with the changes this involves?  We know full well when we’ve gone wrong, reacted inappropriately maybe even cruelly.  We may brush it off, but we deep down we’re aware and we don’t like ourselves.  We vow to be kinder and more patient next time and to bring a sensible perspective to the situation.  Does it really matter if ….?  Can I cope with this or must I do something drastic to stop it?  Does it go with the territory and I must hold my tongue, stop being the person I am and become a sponge?  Soak it all up and squeeze it out in a private moment.

I’M SO SORRY, I DIDN’T MEAN IT

The other day I unearthed a short list of qualities that, for me, reflect some of the most important ‘virtues’ of human nature, aside from the obvious ones.  The list was written in capitals with a pentel on card.  I left it on the worktop in the kitchen.

Inevitably Leaf picked it up and read the list to me asking what it’s about.  I explained and instantly wondered if he thought I reflected those qualities or not. We decided to keep the list visible to remind us.

Here are the qualities in no particular order and why they’re so important for us carers to keep in the forefront of our minds:

SO MUCH TO LIVE UP TO

• KINDNESS – however much the person living with dementia gets on our nerves we have to remember they can’t help it and try to be as kind as we can be
• EMPATHY – this is a really hard one. Imagining how the person feels is almost impossible. I can only liken it to being rather drunk!!!!  Actually I haven’t been for years, so that’s difficult
• GRATITUDE – remembering we’re not alone and being grateful there is help and support available even if we ask for it
• FORGIVENESS – needed when our AD sufferer has done something that annoys or inconveniences us, like moving things and not remembering where they’ve put them
• DOING TO OTHERS AS WE WOULD HAVE THEM DO TO US – this obviously applies universally
• COMPASSION – we need bucket-loads of this. It must be truly horrible to be losing your mind. Leaf calls it his crumbling brain
• CONSIDERATION – making sure that we keep an eye on, often ahead of, their needs before our own. Hard sometimes but this quality is one we could all work on of course
• PATIENCE – another one we need loads of and which I’ve mentioned often before. It has to be limitless, phew!

OF COURSE I FORGIVE YOU

Aside from these, there are other attributes we need to cultivate such as:

• Ingenuity – coming up with ideas to help the person keep happily occupied
• Time management – allowing enough for each task
• Inventiveness – devising new ways to deal with problems
• Flexibility – being undemanding and laid-back, not sweating the small stuff

And, perhaps above all, being loving and affectionate.

LOVING AND SHOWING IT

If I scored five out of ten for that lot, I’d consider I was doing reasonably well but still had a long way to go.

I think the list is fairly comprehensive, but readers might like to suggest other important qualities.   And, of course, it mustn’t be forgotten they also apply to our interactions with friends, family and others.

Leaf and I agreed to make an effort to improve and to remind each other that whenever there was a situation that put one or both of us to the test, we would try to check our behaviour. Leaf, of course, will probably not be able to do this, but at least the list is there for him to read from time to time.

Remembering to look at our behaviour serves to pull us up by our boot-straps!

LIFE AND ALL IT MEANS

This may sound very Self-Help to those who are ‘allergic’ to anything that smacks of self-analysis, but when we’re seriously challenged and aware we could do or say something we would deeply regret, we need help from self as well as others.

It’s no bad idea to look inward, after all that’s where real change starts.