GUILTY ….

Getting old can be unbearable.  It’s a time when we simply have to be realistic, deeply uncomfortable though that may be.  Our bodies are giving out and we have to face the fact that we, or our partner if we have one, may not live much longer.

There is every likelihood that, like me, many readers will have to face a painful decision, that of ‘committing’ our loved one to passing their remaining years in a retirement home.  We will probably suffer anguish the like of which we’ve never endured before – we’re having to act God.

Most, if not all, of us have suffered from guilt feelings.  If we haven’t then there’s probably something wrong with us, like we’re psychopathic!  Those who accuse us of being negative and indulging in ‘poor me’ stuff could, perhaps, examine their own consciences.  Let he who is without ‘guilt’ … 

But what is guilt and when is it justified?  Should we really feel so bad about something we’ve done or said?  Of course it depends how serious it is.

We start out as little kids wanting to please our parents, to keep their love and protection and that usually means not attracting their disapproval.  We must be good or, at least, adhere to their version of good!  It might be very strict, lenient or non-existent.

Where might our guilt spring from, apart from not wishing to lose parental support?  

• social values – we are supposed to be ‘socialised’ as we grow up so we will fit in with the prevailing value system, desirable or otherwise.  Those who have this drummed into them are likely to suffer from guilt if they go against social norms

• the laws – many of which go back centuries and are a nonsense in our modern world.  If we break the law, depending on how seriously, we’re expected to feel guilty.  If we’ve done something horrific, we absolutely should suffer from remorse and must pay in some way.  If our transgression was minor, then feeling guilty is probably over-the-top.  After all, if we’ve driven 5km over the limit, feeling more than fleeting guilt would be excessive

• religious – well, this has to be a case of indoctrination.   If we’re Catholic and confess our ‘sins’, great and small, then there are ritual prayers and practices to adhere to which will espunge our guilt.  I can’t get my head around this lot, but then I don’t follow a religious discipline, Catholic or otherwise.  As for guilt because of ‘naughty’ thoughts, well, we all have them from time to time – how boring life would be without them!  

Last and, for me, absolutely not least, is the guilt we bring upon ourselves.   And these must surely be the ones caused by actions that go against our personal moral values.  They will depend on how high a standard of behaviour we set ourselves.  They come in categories:

•  We’ve set ourselves a target and haven’t kept to it – frequently we commit to giving up something that isn’t good for us and fail.  Be it smoking, drinking, over-eating whatever.  It’s very hard when we lapse because we’ll see ourselves as failures, even though these things are frequently addictions.  Can we feel guilty about addictions?  I don’t know.  I understand there is such a thing as an addictive personality which is very difficult to overcome

• We’ve told someone we will do something and haven’t. Hollow promises get right up my nose because I hate it when others make them to me, so I will go out of my way to make sure I do whatever I’ve said I’ll do or come up with a valid excuse

• We’ve hurt someone by something we’ve said.  After the event, we might well discover that the person didn’t even pick up on it.  On the other hand, if what we’ve said is destructive, then we simply must feel guilty and do everything we can to put things right

* We’ve hurt someone by something we’ve done.  This can be serious and we absolutely should feel gullty and, again, put things right as quickly as possible

• We think we didn’t do enough to help someone.  We can try to make up for it in other ways

• We feel bad because we’re luckier than others.  The best we can do is spread our luck whenever possible

• We’ve done something that goes against our moral values. This is surely highly significant.  We simply have to uphold our moral values otherwise they are meaningless 

Am I taking so long to get to the point that I’m almost excusing myself?  No.  I’m suffering from terrible guilt even though I know, logically, that I shouldn’t be.  

Way back in the early days of Leaf’s dementia, I promised myself publically, that I would move heaven and earth not to relinquish my role as his primary carer.  The idea of a residential home was unthinkable.  I realise now that, back then, I had simply no idea of what I might be dealing with.  How the disease would progress and how I might cope.  

This summer I finally admitted that the day was fast approaching when I would have to find a place for Leaf in a local residential home.  Looking after him alone until the end was becoming an impossible gaol.  This is when feelings of guilt started to plague me. I was going to go against my promise to myself and, most importantly, to Leaf.  I felt wretched.  I was going to fail him.

Nonetheless, logic won the day.  I realised that I simply wouldn’t be able to cope single-handed in the longer term – as much of that longer term as might be left, that is.  I started looking for a suitable home with the idea of a temporary respite first.  An hébergement temporaire, as it’s known here, to give myself a much needed break.  None were open because of Covid.  That was that.  Through frustration and exhaustion, I cracked up and now we find ourselves in an untenable position.  Leaf is shut away in the hospital in Lannemezan and I’m forbidden to see him because of Covid.

Some would say I have absolutely no reason to feel guilty, the matter was taken out of my hands.  But I can’t help thinking that if things had been different, we wouldn’t be in this horrible position.  If I’d understand his needs better, got more help, spent more time with him etc. then it wouldn’t have come to this.

I know, I know, practicalities took over, so feeling guilty is pointless.  The trouble is, the guilt doesn’t come from the brain, it comes from the heart with help from the right side of the brain which is infused with imaginings of all sorts of horrors. What if his condition is deteriorating much more quickly because I’m not there to reassure him and give him love? How long will this ‘Covid’ situation last?  How long can I be kept from my husband?  What if he dies in hospital and I’m not there at his side?  Of course, I feel guilty that my inadequacy let this horrendous situation come about.  A battle goes on in my head when I allow myself to think about it.  Usually in the middle of the night.  During the day, I can cope, but those sleepless periods are quite horrible and I hate myself for not having been able to ride the exhaustion just that bit longer.  

I know it’s all pointless and that I shouldn’t allow these morbid thoughts to come into my head, but I’m a sensitive person.  My thoughts and feelings are not centered in the practical, left side of my brain and, actually, I’m glad they’re not.  I feel what I feel and I’m not ashamed to be the person I am, Mrs Jelly and Mrs Capable alternately.  

I can almost hear the platitudes – ‘don’t beat yourself up’, ‘accept the situation and ride it out’, ‘you’ve not reason to feel guilty’, ‘it’s for the best’ etc.  I would recommend that those who would trot these out, stop for a moment and imagine themselves in my situation:  it’s the middle of the night, we’re alone in our double bed, we can’t sleep for thinking of our partner alone too in a hospital bed, out of reach, probably confused as hell.  It’s awful and almost impossible not to feel desolate and responsible in some way.  

Platitudes are no comfort at all. In such situations, most of us would be suffering and it’s as simple as that.  Justifiable or not.  

I don’t want to be told I shouldn’t feel guilty because if I accepted that, I wouldn’t be doing my utmost to redress the situation (Plan B as soon as possible).  I have to make up for what has happened and get my husband home as soon as I can.  Home is where he belongs as long as Covid is ruling our lives and I happen to think that will be for quite some time yet.  The toll on me will be as heavy as I allow it to be.  In other words, I must make sure I can cope this time.  I have learned a lot from this separation and intend to put it into practice.

Finally, I want to point out that several of my readers who keep in touch by email if not by commenting, have or are suffering from huge guilt too.  It seems to be inevitable when we consider handing over the care of our loved one to the hard-pressed staff in a residential home.  I am not alone in my feelings and I send love and positive energy out those who need support and understanding of their guilt.

Note:  for anyone wishing to explore techniques for handling guilt, there are lots of websites and courses dealing with the subject