A HORRIBLE WAY TO GO

Now we have Covid19  and care homes are in the news.  Several people have raised the possibility with me.  How do we feel about the subject?

Both my grandparents on Daddy’s side, died at home.  At home being with us – Grandad died in his mid-sixties from a heart attack, Granny in her late seventies of angina with complications.  Daddy died, at home, following a heart attack, shingles and the onset of Parkinson’s.  You note I say ‘following’ not ‘from’.  He was a highly astute man and realised he was going to become a burden my mother would’ve been unable to cope with.  She had health problems of her own.  I believe he decided to die.  Some might think that’s impossible but, as we now know, our minds have a great deal to do with our state of health.

NO CONTEST

Mother carried on for another ten years after that and, for the last eighteen months was in a care home.  She had glaucoma, one eye had already gone, and she’d suffered a series of mini-strokes too.  I was living in France by then but visited regularly.  When she expressed a wish to go into what she called a retirement home, we spent a lot of time checking out the ones in her area.  Finally we chose a very expensive and some might say exclusive, home in Haslemere.  Mother didn’t have much money but she had her cottage in Midhurst – a highly desirable property that would provide enough money for her room at Heathmount.  She was happy there mixing with people who, as she put it, were well-travelled and well-read!  Not that she was the former and, as for the latter, that has to be a matter of opinion.

When she had a further stroke that left her paralysed and incontinent, she was moved into the nursing wing of the home where she died of a digestive problem within a month.

My next experience of a care home was when first husband, Terry, also following a stroke, was admitted to a wonderful home in Cumbria.  He was there for five years and, as far as I could make out, was happy with his telly and a bevvy of pretty nurses!

SOME CARE HOMES ARE SERIOUSLY DEPRESSING

There is no getting away from the fact that a care home is a place to go when we can no longer look after ourselves and where we must expect to die.  They’re not called ‘God’s waiting room’ for nothing.  It’s no surprise that many of us are terrified at the prospect of going into one and it’s well known that large numbers who do die within months.  They are, by their very nature, bound to be depressing places, no matter how wonderful the accommodation is, how attentive and loving the carers are, no matter how much entertainment is provided.  They can never replace HOME.  To live in a community of dying people is not good for us if we want to carry on living.

So, what are the prospects for Leaf when I can no longer cope alone?  I’ve mentioned my intention to have a live-in carer as we have a small gite attached to the house and am working towards that possibility.  The sooner the better, as he is rapidly going downhill which is an expression I hate to use but can think of no other way of putting it.  Covid19 has affected him very badly – social contact is vital for people living with dementia.  Nonetheless, we are lucky and I am crossing everything that this plan works out.  So far he has only been verbally abusive and not often.  Physical abuse would mean some sort of sedative, whether he’s at home or in a care facility.  We will face up to that when and if it occurs.  There are natural sedatives, so I wouldn’t have to put him on some pharmaceutical product.

LEAF IS NOT A PILL-POPPER

I wrote at the top of this post that care homes are in the news.  According to the figures, for what they’re worth, and depending upon the criteria they’re based on, CV19 has taken many residents’ lives. And the lives of some carers.  However, in my view, cause of death is not nearly as cut and dried as we’re led to believe, for a variety of reasons.  To look at these, we need to use our imaginations and to empathise.  Not easy for left-brained policy makers.  What must it be like to be a care home resident during this crisis?  It must surely be terrifying and excruciatingly lonely when we know we could be due to die soon anyway.  To be confined will likely mean:

• a very small room
• no family or other visitors
• no social contact or communal activity
• carers (if they have any protective gear at all) will be wearing masks, plastic aprons and gloves as if we’re about to be operated upon or are, in some way, unclean
• if we have access to a TV or radio, the news will be full of horrors
• when we look out of the window, the streets will be empty
• existing health problems will likely be further aggravated (most will have at least one otherwise they wouldn’t be in a care facility)
• the carers are likely to be pre-occupied with the CV19 sufferers so our troubles will have to wait

LONELY, ISOLATED AND FULL OF FEAR

Those whose minds are still intact will be fully aware that old people are, according to the most callous, a drain on the economy and there are those in high places who would rather everyone neatly popped off before they reached 70.  Eugenicists are creeping into society.  I say creeping because their stealth seems to work, people are blissfully unaware.  How horrible to think that we’re no longer wanted on Planet Earth by some ultra-powerful and utterly ruthless characters.

Those whose brains are crumbling, as Leaf puts it, will be horribly confused and increasingly dysfunctional on top of all their other problems.

All in all, hopelessness, loss of appetite, sleeplessness and depression will be rife.  Is it any surprise that the death rate in these places is sky-rocketing?  Already fragile immune systems will become even weaker and so any infection, virus, CV19 or otherwise, will easily take hold and tip so many of these tragic people over the edge alone and with no opportunity to say goodbye to their loved ones.  (likewise many of those who die in hospital of course.)  Whether CV19 or other virus can then be named as the actual cause of death is a matter for conjecture.

This horrible situation must be the cause of enormous grief for so many families, especially those who are already suffering from guilt that their partner or parent is apart from them.  

NEXT STOP HEAVEN

We must hope that, in the future, care homes will become much more of a last resort for the elderly and that governments will provide a great deal more financial support for those looking after frail loved ones at home – for the sake of all concerned.