CRY ME A RIVER

Yesterday I cried.  For the first time in ages.  Tears frequently start to come but then dry up as I find myself numb, too far gone to cry.  This is not me.  In my time, like Alice, I’ve cried a pool of tears deep and wide.  As have so many women and some men.

THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE

The first time I saw my father cry, I was nineteen and we were at my grandmother’s funeral.  I was so happy to see the tears roll down his face, even though I adored Granny too and was heartbroken she’d gone.  At that moment, in my eyes, Daddy became a fully-formed human with the ability to express his emotions.  How sad it had taken the loss of his mother to bring that out, as far as I was aware at any rate.  Aside from that, he was a truly loving and affectionate father unlike Terry, my first husband, who was emotionally stunted.  He couldn’t express his feelings or show affection.  His whole family was like that.  Coincidentally, he too cried at his mother’s funeral.   But it was the only time I ever saw tears in his eyes, certainly whilst we were together.  No, that’s not quite true, he cried when he laughed a lot!

WOMEN CRY MORE

In defence of apparently unemotional males, it’s believed that women tend to cry more than men because of the increased presence of the hormone prolactin.  In men, it’s increased testosterone, which may inhibit crying.  Seems to me more research in this area would help us understand.

How many of us realise the importance of crying?  How many of us think about the function of tears or the variety of emotions that produce them, along with the chemicals released. They come at the strangest of times as well as the most obvious and it’s now known that crying is really good for us, a natural and healthy reaction when we’re stirred up, for whatever reason.

Of course, as well as crying, our eyes will involuntarily water. Yawning, certain smells like onions, tastes like chilli, allergies, runny noses and anything that irritates our eyes will produce tears.

EYE-WATERING FOR MOST OF US

There are three kinds of tears, the ones that clear out irritants, known as reflexive, continuous or basal tears that keep our eyes lubricated and the emotional ones.

What moves us to cry?

• awe – Mother Nature in all her glory, wonderful music and astonishing beauty
• extreme pleasure – when we’re so happy we almost don’t know where to put ourselves
• orgasm – yes it can!
• laughter – hopefully we’ve all experienced this
• sadness – woe, distress and extreme grief
• fear – and trembling from terror
• desolation – particularly when we feel completely impotent, lonely, isolated or defeated
• pain – when it borders on the unbearable. We all have different thresholds of course
• anger – here we come to the fight-or-flight situation. Tears can help control us
• frustration – we’ve all been here. Whatever it is just won’t come right

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER CAN MAKE US CRY

It’s clear that crying can calm us, alleviate our distress and lift our mood when we’re down.  It’s a welcome release because it activates the parasympathetic nervous system which helps us relax and reduces stress hormones which, as we know, are harmful to our hearts, brains and intestinal flora.  It also releases chemicals such as oxytocin and endorphins which help us feel good or better if we’re in pain.

When we cry, our heart rate and breathing slow down, digestion resumes and we’re a lot calmer.

Another bonus is that tears will usually elicit support from others which is vital when we’re suffering.  It also helps with bonding.  If a person cries in our company, we’ll feel more comfortable crying in theirs.

As a positive example of crying, Leaf is, as I write, in our chill-out cabin (aka the ditty box) in the garden listening to ‘Transatlantic Sessions’ – Gaelic music full of joyful fiddle playing and the like.  He loves it.  He’s often moved to tears by his favourite sounds.

AN IDEAL PLACE TO CHILL OUT

Another great example is Pharaoh Sanders, jazz saxophonist extraordinaire. Known as the best tenor player in the world, the multiphonic technique of his playing truly touches the spirit and makes us cry.   Anyone with any sensitivity will surely be deeply moved by his best-known harmonies.  ‘Kazuko’ in particular, on the lovely ‘Save Our Children’ album, represents to us the music of the spheres.  I’m unable to find a link to this album but I do recommend buying it to anyone who likes jazz saxophone, it is stunning.

THE UNIVERSE IS FULL OF TEAR-JERKING MUSIC

Writing our autobiographies have afforded Leaf and I the chance to lay so many ghosts and when we re-read certain extracts, as we do from time to time, we find ourselves crying all over again.  Remembered traumas as well as exciting and blissful times, are very precious and we believe we’re lucky to be able to experience the joy or catharsis that crying affords us.

For anyone who feels they need a good weep, this song from Alison Krauss is so haunting, tragic and beautiful.  As I listen the tears well up and cloud my eyes.  It’s not self-indulgent, it’s extraordinarily cleansing.