‘TIL DEATH US DO PART

Researching often takes me off on strange tangents.  Whilst looking into the religious vows made by British couples getting married, I came across the full version of the National Anthem! For amusement’s sake, I applied the wording of the second and fourth verses to the current confusion in the UK.  See them at the end of this post.

To the subject of the week.  It concerns the changing nature of our marriage and the wording of the British wedding vows.  As Leaf, like Benjamin Button, regresses towards infancy – sorry but that’s what happens, at least behaviour-wise – I gradually become more of a mother and less of a wife.

WITH THIS RING …

When I married Leaf in our local Mairie, Articles were read out about mutual respect, fidelity, support and help.  One was an agreement to live in harmony and others referred to the bringing up of children.

Nice and simple.   No mention of ‘obey’ or, for that matter ‘with all my worldly goods I thee endow’.  Both these concepts are currently causing problems within our problematical marriage.  I am effectively now asking him to obey me and to leave my stuff alone!  I wouldn’t be if we were still in the earlier stages but Leaf is at a crossroads as he has now entered AD Stage 4 – Moderate (!) dementia.  Here are some of the most common symptoms:

SO EASY TO GET LOST

• losing track of the location and forgetting the way, even in familiar places
• losing moment-to-moment memory
• wandering in search of surroundings that feel more familiar
• failing to recall the time of day, day of the week, month or season
• forgetting personal information, such as address, phone number, and education history
• repeating favorite memories or making up stories to fill memory gaps
• needing help deciding what to wear for the weather or season
• seeing or hearing things that are not there
• becoming restless, frustrated and argumentative
• becoming moody and depressed
• being (understandably) selfish and inconsiderate

And peculiar to Leaf:

PEPE HIDING AGAIN

• talking nonsense
• obsessing and fretting over the ‘disappearance’ of, say, his gloves, hat, books, torches, small change and Pepe, his adored cat
• wearing his clothes in the oddest order, often inside out or back to front. Frequently he will wear two shirts with a sweater in between
• forgetting virtually everything I say unless it refers to an immediate action
• half doing small tasks and leaving tools and equipment all over the place
• arranging objects in strange configurations – usually on the bed or dining room table
• moving objects from room to room for no reason
• assuming that everything around the house is his and making up stories about the history of my stuff as well as his own
• assuming that food and drink on the table is all for him and often eating with a spoon and organising his plate, glass, cutlery idiosyncratically

SECATEURS – MISSING ON A REGULAR BASIS

I’m learning to cope with many of these problems but it’s difficult to be kind and patient when he’s being awkward – particularly over taking off his clothes to go to bed.  He becomes stubborn and surly but I can’t ask him to ‘obey’ that would make matters worse.  I have to cajole.  He wants to be independent but is too far down the AD line for that now and naturally that’s really hard for him to swallow.  Poor guy.

As for our worldly goods, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to keep my personal possessions in the places I’ve chosen for them.  I have to swallow my annoyance but it’s galling to find a picture, letter or ornament in an unexpected location.  As for my flannel, toothbrush, creams, lotions and paperwork, I have to hide them now.  Not to mention my clothes, of course.  I’ve written SUE’s CLOTHES  / LEAF’s CLOTHES on cards and stuck them on our respective wardrobe doors.

TOOTHBRUSH – I HAVE TO HIDE MINE NOW

What do I when he’s down and difficult?  What do other carers do?  There’s an alarming increase in dementia sufferers, each one presenting their carer/s with challenges they’re unlikely to have had to deal with before.  Individual carers will have their methods of coping, or not!  Many, like me, will be constantly trying to adjust.  Hopefully by openness and a spirit of community, we can help each other and not feel so alone.  And for those who are fortunate enough not to be living with dementia, there is the Boy Scout’s motto ‘Be Prepared’.

MOST PEOPLE IN OLD AGE NEED TO BE LOOKED AFTER

We had an unfortunate set-to the other night when I was completely honest.  I told him I couldn’t make light of things that are really hard to cope with.  It was eventually agreed that I put our conclusions in writing .

Darling,

We’re in a shit situation and somehow we have to learn to GO WITH THE FLOW.

It’s no good you fighting it, you’ll get frustrated and DEPRESSED.

Let me help you with things you can no longer do.  IT WILL BE EASIER FOR US BOTH.

DON’T DWELL on what you can no longer do.

BE GRATEFUL for all you can do:

YOU’LL ALWAYS LOVE THE NATURAL WORLD

• paint – and you’re doing some lovely work
• read – and you’re reading some fascinating things
• listen to music – and how happy that makes you
• appreciate nature – you’ll never lose that one
• gather fruit from our garden – how lovely to grow our own
• enjoy seeing people you really care about

And of the everyday living stuff you can still:

SIMPLY WALKING THE DOG

• enjoy your food – and my cooking of course
• get pleasure from the animals that you love so much
• read and understand the news – albeit it’s often crazy
• keep up to date with your team – and other sports too
• enjoy a good laugh – you can still see the funny side
• shower – and doesn’t that feel great afterwards
• shave – now you have an electric razor, that will be much easier
• climb into a warm bed – so good at the end of the day

And there’s more – you can add your own.

Some requests:    PLEASE –

FEEDING THE CATS – SUE’S JOB

• don’t take offence so easily – I don’t mean to upset or undermine you so …
• … forgive me if I get impatient at times
• turn off the lights when you leave a room (remember the electricity bill!)
• let me do the tidying up. I know where things go
• clean your teeth in the bathroom!
• let me feed the cats – they’ll get too fat if we both feed them

AND EVEN THOUGH OUR RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT –

ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT I LOVE YOU xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

NEVER-ENDING LOVE

 I read it to him every day and leave it around for him to refer to.  So far, so good.  How long it will last, I have no idea.

Now for a chuckle about the National Anthem:

I WONDER WHAT SHE THINKS OF IT  (NICE HAT)

O Lord our God arise,

Scatter her enemies

And make them fall;

Confound their politics,

Frustrate their knavish tricks,

On Thee our hopes we fix,

God save us all!

*

Not in this land alone,

But be God’s mercies known,

From shore to shore!

Lord make the nations see,

That men should brothers be,

And form one family,

The wide world over.

Hmph, yes well…..!

A BLOODY HERITAGE – a former blog piece I wrote about Anthems – interesting and amusing, I think!!!